Cue the song from Rent.
But seriously, how do you measure the moments that make up 365 days of life?
Our sweet Mira Joey turns 1 this Friday. Every time I look at her the pain through my heart is equal to the butterflies in my stomach. So much pain for all that Joe is missing and so much love for all that we have gained.
We celebrated Mira’s birthday back in October when we learned Joe was down to days left of his final year with us. I remember saying to him, “What do you think about doing Mira’s 1st birthday early?”
He responded, “Seems strange, like we’re saying we know I won’t be here.” He looked up at me and said, “We know I wont’ be here don’t we?”
It was a hard reality and we had a choice, ignore it or live it.
We did a little bit of both. We tried to live the moment and ignore the truth at the same time. I remember the heartbreak we felt amongst the laughs as we watched Mira dip her little finger into the whirl of pink icing.
Joe never finished her birthday cards. He had time and knew they were sitting inside the table next to his chair but I believe he just couldn’t bring himself to write those final words to the little girl he loved and got so little time to know. I’ll still give her the cards as the years go by. He picked them out, an array of kitten and princess cards marking all of the milestones he’ll miss.
He’s missing them but the truth that hurts the most is how the milestones miss him. Mira took her first steps the day her dad died. He wasn’t there but I felt him as I watched her drunkly waddle forward smiling at her success. Her birthday will miss his voice next to mine singing as we find her in her crib. Christmas Eve will miss him cussing as he struggles to figure out the massive kitchen set I was just sure our 1 year old needed. On my birthday I missed his quirky ways of making it unique. 29 balloons, a pair of rollerblades, and Happy birthday streamers strung across our apartment, all memories I re-played to help fill the hole left without him this year.
I know he’s here but I miss the energy of him walking up behind me and squeezing me in the kitchen. I miss the way his thumbs looked, the rounded shape of his nail. I can’t believe I’m even saying it but I miss the sound of constant sports talk blaring from my television. Sometimes, I stop on Mike and Mike just to feel Joe near. It’s usually just for a moment and then I remember my complaints.
I saw two cardinals flying in my back patio today, one stopping to stare. It alarmed me they were so close but what alarmed me even more was the way I reacted. I immediately started calling out to one as if it were an old friend. “Hello, hi, it’s me!” My neighbors must have thought I was crazy but it was without even thinking I started talking to this bird as if it were Joe. It makes me laugh now to actually write it down. I guess they warned me I’d be nuts for awhile. Or maybe the spiked haired bird was my sweet Joe just checking in.
How do you measure the first year of life? How do you measure the last?
Happy birthday our sweet girl, your mommy and daddy sure do love you.
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Happy Birthday Mira!!
I can’t help but shed happy, and sad tears at this post Amanda…. He is near, he will always-be near. A year, can be the longest or the shortest time of one’s life. I am so happy that you and Joe celebrated Mira’s birthday when you did. What a cherished memory. I know this year will be terribly hard, and painful, right now especially with the holidays approaching fast. But too there are all the things that you, Joe and Mira DID do, in this past year <3 Merry Christmas to you both, and know what-to Joe too-as you know those cardinals that came to visit? š There's a saying that they visit when a loved one is there, to watch and bring beauty to the person they are visiting š Thinking of you, and Mira, and…..Joe this season of Beauty and Hope… <3 <3 <3
Mira’s Birthday is a celebration of not only her life but of Joe’s. He is part of her and his memory will live on through you and your beautiful daughter. I do believe that the cardinal wasn’t just a bird.
I thought of you this morning as I saw the date and remembered it had been one month. I can imagine it has been a long and a short one for you. Thoughts are with you and your beautiful baby girl for her 1st birthday. The cardinals really do mean something so don’t feel foolish!
Your story brought tears. I’m sure it has been a long month for you. Please know that I still pray for you and Mira. Know that Joe is always around, and like the last person said he was that bird who flew so close and stopped to look. He was just checking up on both of you. I hope Mira has a wonderful birthday, and you both have the merriest of Christmas that you can. God Bless you both.
My heart, prayers & positive,happy birthday wishes are with you! Love & hugs…hope you enjoy that beautiful angels special day!
Beautifully written. My heart is heavy as I read your words.
I am so sorry for your loss! He will be with you and your daughter forever in your heart. My daughter’s birthday is Friday, I will hold her especially close and thank the Lord for her. You just never know when it is your time, but so awful when it is a young person with their life ahead of them. You have tons of “friends” who are here wishing only the best for you and Mira. She is a doll and I hope she has a good birthday and a happy holiday.
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I was reading today about the cardinal you saw. My dad passed away 7 years ago and he always liked cardinals. After he died, I always heard and saw a cardinal flying around. One flew into my front window one time and was sitting on my front porch. I always told my kids that Papa was nearby when we saw one. Every time they see a cardinal now they know that Papa is watching over them.
I too know the planning and painful preparation you have made. My husband was diagnosed 9 months after we married we found out we had cancer and lost a baby all within a year. Then our glass began to empty time was drawing near to the change process of time. We had Mikkenzi my now 12 year old. She was 5 when he went to sleep and entered a perfect world of heaven. The day Mike died an eagle(his favorite bird tattooed upon his arm) flew over our home as we prepared to leave for the funeral. So I believe your cardinal will be back to say hello.
I often read your post and feel as if you are stepping into the heart I once more. Hug to you and your daughter. PS they never leave us š
You don’t know me, and like many people, I’ve come to know your beautiful family through your blog. I know that you began this blog as a way to cope with and sort through so much pain, but I hope you know what you’ve given to so many people with this. Your honest, wry, and vulnerable voice made this a beautiful love story that draws in so many people who all feel honored to read it. You are an incredible inspiration to all wives and mothers. My 18 month old son and I pray for your family every night at bedtime, not because I’m particularly religious, but because I know that in any small twist of fate, we could be you and Mira. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have no words of comfort, but I do hope you keep writing, because the story certainly isn’t over. Happy birthday to your darling girl, and congratulations to the mom who got her here.
Praying for the both of you. Being from Chicago and an alumni not far from Glenbard, I felt a kinship to your sweet family. It’s been 4 years almost to the day and I believe my Dad presented himself to my 11yo at a nursing home during a service project this week. A man that reminded me of my dad was speaking to the kids. As we were leaving, he grabbed my daughters hand and stated “you’ll always be my sweetheart”. She cane to me with tears in her eyes stating her grandpa just spoke to her. This was something special he always said just to her. God warms our hearts when we least expect. Blessings to your family this Christmas.
Thank you for reminding me to keep it all in perspective. Your words melt my heart.
Amanda, as much as Joe was an inspiration, so are you.
ABSOLUTELY!
What an amazing story you tell of your love and life, I have followed your blog after seeing it posted on a friends FB Page, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Joe, I feel like I am right there with you as you tell your beautiful story of the love you both found, only to lose that same love to soon, I can’t begin to know how many emotions you must go thru on an hourly basis, I think those Cardinals were a sign that your Joe was checking in on his Family, I have read that strange things happen after you lose a loved one who was taken to soon, I know after my MIL passed away, I would find pennies in the strangest places, I think having Mira’s birthday party early so her daddy could be there was a great idea, you can tell her all about that one day, for now I want to wish Mira a very Happy Birthday and a belated one for you also!!