I was totally stumped by a 6 year old at the park.

As I chased a pigtailed toddler around the slides and swings I was approached by two little girls zipping around on scooters.

“Is that your baby?”

It is.

“Are you her mommy?”

I am.

“Why don’t you let her ride a scooter?”

She just doesn’t have one.

“Why doesn’t she have one?”

She’s just a baby.

“Is that her dog?”

It is.

“Why did you get a dog?”

Because— I don’t know.

“Well, why?”

Because he was so cute.

“Can I kiss your dog?”

If you want.

“Is your baby zero?”

She’s one. 

“Where is her daddy?”

(SILENCE)

“Where is her daddy?”

He’s not here.

“Well, where is he?”

Just not here.

“Why is he not here?”

He’s at work.

My heart sank as I lied to the girl and at the same time the words felt good coming off my lips.

He’s at work.

Yes, that’s it, that’s where he is. I’m just waiting for my husband to come home like all of the other tired moms at the park at 6 o’clock. Just a little longer until I can get a little break, an extra set of hands, someone not yelling at me in baby Mandarin. Soon, he’ll walk in the door and we’ll have dinner and a glass of wine and talk about our day as we juggle a wild woman trapped in a toddler’s body.

We’ll laugh the way only parents can at the disgusting things our own offspring does. We’ll try not to give a reaction as she says “uh oh” and throws her macaroni on the dog. We’ll bicker for a minute about plans for the weekend or who shrank my new white pants.

I don’t know if it’s healthy to pretend like this but it takes the sting away soI let my mind wander. I even ask Joe out loud to get me a bottle in the middle of the night or to please, please get the baby to sleep. I think he’s got to be on a cloud rolling his eyes like, ‘Really, the woman is still bitching at me in the after life.’

I talk to him on my walks with Mira as the sun starts to set, I hope I’m doing okay, I say. I hope I’m making you proud.

I had a moment this week when I was trying to use the bathroom, like any mom with a toddler, it’s an open door policy and Mira stood on her step stool turning the lights on and off while trying to reach the faucet. I was trying to pee in the disco ball effect she’d created when I watched her stop and pick up my earrings laying on the counter. I was a second away from a “no, no Mira”, when she gently took the little hoops and put them up to her ears, looking at herself in the mirror.

I just stared.

Holy crap, this kid is really watching me. I’m shaping a little person. It made me proud and mostly terrified.

I wish her dad was here to help mold this little monster. This nature vs. nurture thing is no joke.

She has his stubborn soul, his determination to do whatever the heck it is she wants (literally, the girl thinks she can fly) and the thing I love the most, his gentle heart.