I’ve been planning this day for weeks. A new lunch box, a first day of school outfit, immunization papers have been faxed and forms filled out. After a summer full of play dates, travel and dozens of sanity saving trips to our neighborhood park, I’m sending my sweet girl off to the structured days of snack time and group naps.
It’s another first for us. A new neighborhood, a new school and all of the challenges that come with parenting alone.
The teacher’s eyes were wide as I explained my little girl may not recognize her daddy in pictures and instead may wave excitedly to the sky. Blank picture frames hang on the wall waiting to be filled with the smiling faces of the student’s family photos. A safe place the teacher told us they take the kids if they’re feeling sad during the day. My heart sank as the other parents nodded at each other.
A family picture shouldn’t hurt the way it does. Mira will always be a newborn in her family photo. She doesn’t even know the baby on his knee. She picks out Mommy and just recently has paused to look at the man with us searching for his name. I tell her, “That’s Daddy” and she looks up to the sky.
She probably thinks her Daddy is a cloud or an airplane at this stage of the game but I’m hoping it’ll transition as time goes on that her Daddy is in heaven.
Meet the teacher night was awkward and heart wrenching as I watched the other parents tour the school. I overheard a mom quietly bickering with her husband as he started to carry their small child in the room and she was stuck still filling out the paperwork.
‘You know I’d like to see her face too, you know? I have to be the one doing the work while you get the fun stuff,’ she said with gritted teeth.
I had to laugh to myself, maybe there are benefits to doing it alone? There’s no one to irritate you.
But there’s also no one to blame.
So when I forgot to pay the power bill and power was shut off or can’t find Mira’s birth certificate, there is absolutely no one to blame but myself, and I hate it.
I really loved my role in our relationship. I was the overly passionate, always running late, slightly hot mess of the two of us. Joe was the one who handled things like organizing the files in our desk, getting new filters for the vacuum and printing off the right paperwork for things.
Things like registering a kid for school. He would have been awesome at all of this. I am not.
School is a scary place. I imagine it only gets scarier as the kids are really expected to perform outside the realms of play-doh and feeding baby dolls. School is a place where you just want them to be okay, to fit in, to feel safe and confident. You don’t want your kid to have just one parent’s name next to theirs in the directory. There’s this moment where I’m overcome with embarrassment, I feel judged and wonder what kind of storyline the other parents could be making up about me.
I’m 99% sure it’s my own insecurities but there is that 1% that makes me feel like less of a mother.
I watched my little warrior march right in the room and straight for the new toys and know she’s ready to face whatever this wacky world throws her way. I hope she can always hold on to some of the innocence and confidence her little toddler body walks with now.
As I leave her tomorrow and say goodbye, I hope my sweet gray eyed girl knows she can always wave to her daddy. That she knows a daddy in the sky is still a daddy and while the other kids will run to look at pictures, all she has to do is look up.
My heart hurts for you. When my daughter was born me and my husband had separated and I understand some of how you feel as far as other kids having both parents. My daughter was new born when we separated and we got back together when she was almost 6. It crushed me when she had a play at school and all the kids had both parents there and she turned around and asked me where her daddy was. I wanted to just break out in tears. I just told her he was taking care of his mother because she was sick just like I was taking care of my father because he was sick. She understood. I know you situation is so different but as far as being alone with the school stuff I can relate to that. I will keep you in prayers for strength and comfort. Your daughter is a beautiful little girl and she looks just like her daddy. Although he is not present its wonderful how your keeping his memory alive.
Your story resonates with me as I lost my husband at the age of 30 while I was pregnant with our second and our oldest daughter was just shy of 3. I remember the embarrassment I felt as well attending things like school functions alone and wondering what people thought of me especially with my pregnant belly. I often found myself wondering if I should explain our situation but then that always proves to be awkward as people then felt pity or didn’t quite know how to respond. I think of you often, good luck tomorrow I know how hard it will be to tackle another “first” hugs to you!
My heart is with you. My son is 19 months and tomorrow is his first day of daycare too. Your little one will make some wonderful new friends and I have a feeling you will too. I’m praying the teachers wrap their love around your little girl and also around you! It takes a village to raise a child – you are not alone!
Mira will love school, as a Mom this note pulled on my heart, it is so difficult to know if you are doing the right thing and I understand the family picture senecio. I saw that at my granddaughters preschool when I was in CA. You and Mira can make a special date together to get a picture done, try and make it a big deal and she will remember that. You are a fantastic Mom and being a single parent can be difficult, walked in those shoes, but your strength and courage will get you through and you will be her star, like her Daddy in the sky. You are in my thoughts and prayers and thank you for sharing your story.
Oh my Amanda. Very sad. Thx God u r a very strong lady and u can do it.
While I may be slightly older… our sons were 7 & 13 when we lost my husband their dad.. all of those feelings that you are feeling are very much the same for myself as well. Even today; seven years later. I don’t want to tell you it doesn’t get better… what I want to tell you is that what you’re feeling is “normal” if there’s such a thing…. that many of us feel the same way. This website and your words are helping many, many people. Keep doing what you are doing… I thank you for sharing!