Between the various phone calls you receive from nurses wondering, “if you are fatigued, or experiencing nausea or vomiting,” to the endless amount of needles they stick in you, or the countless times you need to repeat your full name and DOB, cancer is boring and repetitive. We need to take a step back and laugh at ourselves. Dad had cancer for 7 years before he moved on to another life. We know how brutal this disease can be. We’ve seen how it can affect a family. If someone close to you is going through anything like this, we know your road. There are sick days. There are angry days. There are some sad days, and there are days filled with pity.

That’s all good and great, but today….I apologize to know one. Now, I make no excuses. I am not a stand up comedian, and I don’t even claim to be funny (that’s not true). Some of these experiences and stories may be boring, or just not funny. Some of them are dirty and some are “Old Man Jokes.” This is a list of cancer comedy…..

We will start with a couple years ago at Disney. The parks are HUGE and extremely crowded. The heat is getting to you and there are small children EVERYWHERE. The lines for the best ride are a 45 minute wait at best. With friends next to us, we approach a 75 minute wait for Rockin’ Rollercoaster. Now, I can’t remember if I was hooked up to chemo or not, but I do remember our friend asking the ticket taker at the front if she could make some Disney Magic Happen. I shouted to her, “But, I seriously have cancer!!!” and BOOM…we were on the ride in 12 minutes! Gotta love when a “Make a Wish” moment occurs!

For those of you who are a bit queasy, or feel that bodily functions aren’t funny….I advise you to skip the next paragraph. The 7 year-old in me is coming out. Poop and pee are funny. Houston is great for many reasons. Ok, so the best doctors are there, the machines are the newest, and the food options are endless. But, the reason people go there in the end…Their Cat Scan Machine. They have to “light you up” with a contrast injected into your body. This makes for great pictures…And even better pictures when they “light up” your stomach through your bulls-eye in your backside! This tube is thin, but I’m pretty sure this guy might have had trouble seeing. He kept poking around the bulls-eye. Not so similar to this picture. STAY OUT OF THE RED DUDE! YELLOW ONLY!

The faster you can get that image out of your head, the better. If you chose to pass over the last story, this might be a good time to go back and check it out! 🙂

There are a few things that probably shouldn’t be said when you have cancer. Take the other day for example. I found myself waiting for a text message from someone for a few hours. I just needed an answer. By the time they text me back I responded with, “Geez, I’m dying over here!”

That doesn’t go well sometimes. I smile. Some people stare.

Or if I have bad news for someone… I sometimes lead with, “It’s killing me to have to do this…” Then people immediately don’t care about the bad news anymore.

The other night, Amanda and I walked out of the hospital in Houston after our Cat Scan at 6:30pm. The hallways were strangely empty at this time. Remember, there are thousands of cancer patients being treated here. Exit doors were closed…lights were turned off. We walked to the stairs and I commented, “It’s pretty dead in here…”

You get the picture…. 🙂

….Is a real thing. Sometimes, after not having chemo for a few weeks, I seem to forget what Amanda told me about the baby swaddle she put on the registry. It’s the strangest thing.

Nuff’ said. No diarrhea is good diarrhea. Okay….almost nuff’ said.

I would think most couples WITH CANCER have a cancer list. Think real hard….

Amanda’s only consists of Justin Timberlake, Roberto from The Bachelor, and Patrick Sharp.

Often times showering becomes more of a luxury than a necessity. I’ll get a nice long shower immediately after chemo, and maybe again right before my next chemo. Showering is difficult with tubes hanging from your chest. No big deal. Most of the time, I probably smell like feet…. I warned you earlier, cancer is a JOKE!