Three years ago I was planning to walk down the aisle and now I’m planning a funeral. I don’t know if it’s fair or right but I know, it is what is it.
I married Joe Clark November 18, 2011. Hands down, the very best highlight of my life. Don’t judge me for saying it was maybe even better than the whole child birth thing because it involved fake eyelashes and vodka instead of hospital gowns and epidurals.
I remember that entire day feeling like 100 proof joy was running though my veins. I had never felt a peace over me the way I did that day. Even with Joe’s cancer diagnosis just two months before, I knew we were doing the right thing. I knew this was the greatest love I had ever known.
Even now as I sit by his bed and help the nurses roll him from side to side or brush his hair, I feel that same love and peace I felt that day.
Joe is hardly responsive but when I walk in the room and start to talk he tries to open his eyes, his lips pucker to give me a kiss and the nurses seem in awe that he has the strength or will to do this.
How are you surviving? I’m asked.
I’m surviving off the slow drip of the love I still feel from the man I married. I’m scared and worried about the withdrawal when that drug that has fueled me is suddenly taken away. I have no job. I have no husband. I have no idea what I’m going to do next.
I miss him already even though I can still hear him breathing. It’s the strangest things that send a knife through my heart. Like, I hate that I can’t show him the picture of Kim Kardashian’s butt. We would have loved talking about that one and I can just hear the comments he’d have.
Because of cancer there is so much I’ve already mourned. I stopped for sushi and it’s reflex to say, “Joe and I always get the spicy tuna.” But it doesn’t hurt like it did a year ago because it’s been that long since we’ve been able to have the date nights we used to get before cancer, before surgery, before so much has been taken from us. But it’s just when you think you have control that an episode of Love It or List It comes on and you hear Joe’s voice in your head complaining about how they always love it. I hope that time will turn the pain I feel now into a happy, warm memory.
I hate that I want to text him at night only to see his phone in my own hand. I hate that this is happening so close to the happiest day of my life.
Then again, I guess I find comfort in it. Instead of circling some dreaded death day on my calendar I’ll continue to think about this time as the happiest of my life because I have to find away to celebrate because it’s just so much easier than hurting.
Joe has been at the hospice house now for 12 days. These are the longest days of my life. There’s little to do but sit and stare and think and stare and sit some more. Someday these days will only seem like a blur that I hope to put in a box in the back of my head so the happy memories have room to move to the front.
“No more pain,” I whisper in his ear, “It’s okay Joe, go to your cloud.”
The nurses tell me he’s on a journey. He nods his head that he’s okay but I wish I could crawl inside his mind to know that he’s at peace.
Three years just doesn’t feel like enough time. One more day, I’ll think. One more bucket list. One more memory. Should I hurt more or less than someone who has been married 20 years? Should I grieve for the time we had or the time we didn’t get?
The counselors tell me I’ll be a total whack job for one year. I don’t know how they measure the path of grief but they all say the same thing. One year, I’ll be nuts. One social worker told me I can be as big of a b*tch as I want to be, so I plan to take full advantage. Watch out now.
I hope that’s enough time, 12 months. I hope it doesn’t hurt that long.
There’s just never enough time to be fulfilled, to heal, to hold on.
I wish you peace, comfort, strength and warm memories as you continue on this journey. Your courage to simply face each day as it comes is beautiful and a testament to the love between you and your husband. Prayers and warm thoughts.
Oh, so poignant, sad, and true. You find the words to express yourself in a most amazing way. We, your readers, grasp onto what you say and feel helpless, though we want to help in the worst way.
Just know our prayers are continuing for peace and comfort for you, Joe and your families.
I think your next journey should be to write a book. Take this blog to the next level. You have given us an inside, real look at what it’s been like living and loving with cancer. Combine that with how you deal with the grief and i think a lot of people will want to read and relate. To know they are not the only crazy one. 🙂 There are plenty of books from experts. Let’s hear from a real person (that just happens to be an excellent writer). It is scary to see and reveal the ugly side of life but you know how to do it in a gentle and even witty way. I pray for no more pain for Joe and as much comfort as you can find. Hugs.
Tara. Let’s talk.I have a real story to share. Let’s talk look for me on Facebook… Roberta Root Crisler
I agree. Keep writing. It will help you through. Your writing is raw and real. Don’t stop.
Once again Amanda, you touch my heart and stir my soul. This love is a contagious thing. What a gift.
Sending love. Can’t imagine what you are going through. #amandastrong #joestrong
I agree – write the gook and I will read it. You not only have a gift of writing words, yu have the gift of getting right to the heart of the matter with so much love – like an old sole. I wish you both peace – you’re both certainly deserving.
My heart aches for you and your family. Prayers continue for peace and comfort for all of you. I love your wedding video………..a wonderful memory to cherish of your special time together. May God bless you in the coming days, weeks and years.
Amanda, I have not met you. I met Joe once through Tony Morreale before he moved to Atlanta. We were at a going-away party for Tony at a sports bar in Dr. Phillips.
I wish now I would have talked to Joe more.
You and Joe are both heroes to me.
And inspirations.
I worry about stupid stuff all day. You are the real deal. You’re both stronger than I could ever, ever be.
I wish there were words to help make things better, but I don’t know what those would be. I am going through that “year” that they told you about. I lost my dad in April to esophageal cancer and I experienced everything you are experiencing, including hospice. It brings me to tears to read what you are going through as it makes me relive everything. All I can say is that if you can see that he will be at peace, that will help. You are an amazing wife and mother. Time will help. Prayers go out to you during this difficult time. Cherish every minute and breath.
You haven’t left my mind, thoughts, or prayers. May God bring you all strength and peace during this difficult time – all my love- kelly
Hi Amanda,
You are truly a brave person. I know because I lost my mom 4 weeks ago tomorrow. She was a young spirit and had so much more time left. But what does that even mean? What if all the time we get is all the time that was needed? Your story makes cry. Like you I was with her in hospice. i replay her last days in slow motion sometimes 3x a day. All I can say is, it does get better. This is the worst part, even more than his last breath. This is the part that makes you feel unwell. Like the kind of ache that makes sleeping impossible yet it’s the only thing you want to do. This is the part I wish could be skipped. Since I started reading your blog, I thought I can’t even imagine what she is going through, now I can and you have helped me get though my loss more than you know, and I thank you:)
I am so sorry. Your love and ability to put it into words is incredibly touching. I lost my dearest friend last year to cancer. Sadly one year later, the heartache is still there. Maybe not as intense, but at moments it can be. The other day I came across this quote and I do believe it’s true. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” AA Milne. I know you know it even though your heart aches….You and Joe are so lucky. Much love, Heather
Beautiful video!
I only know you through your posts but I will hold you in my heart as you go through this journey. I wish that God could explain to us why we need to suffer the way we do. There was a day not too long ago that I said to my youngest son that when I reach the big guy in the sky I have so many questions. As my wise son then reminded me that when I do get there I will not have any questions for they all will have been answered. I pray that someday you will have all your questions answered!!! You are a very strong woman and your daughter will look to you for guidance which you will give her gracefully. May God wrap his arms around your family.
I cannot imagine your pain, but you have a healthy way of approaching life and dealing with death. You can be as big a B***h as you want to be, but don’t be disappointed if you can’t generate the energy to be one. Don’t believe that 12 months thing. Having passed a year of anniversaries does not ease the loss. And, no it doesn’t matter if you are married a lifetime or eight years, as I was, or the three years that you’ve had. You’ve loved as completely and intensely as those married for a very long time. I will say that in time, the good memories come more easily and the bitter memories of illness and mistakes and pain and suffering do recede. But there’s an empty space that can never be filled, nor should it be – there is only one Joe for you – that’s his place. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you walk this journey. It will be yours, and yours alone. Accept the love of those who know you best, and allow them to walk with you. Peace to you, Amanda.
Just hold on. Your memories will get you thru. Tell Joe you and Mira will be fine and its ok to let go. He is holding on because he doesnt want to leave you both. He needs to know you will be ok. Thoughts and prayers to you and Joe.
Three years or thirty eight – which is the time I had with my husband, doesn’t matter. The love is bigger than the grief though. A year? It’s been 5 for me and no, you don’t get “over it” but you become accustomed to the loss. Your courage and love is amazing – I pray for your peace and Joe’s. Thank you for sharing – I think the suggestion to write a book is a good one. God has given you an amazing gift, and painful agony. You’ve used it to fill the hearts of so many. God’s peace to you both.
So sorry. Bless you both, and your families, as you do each day, each hour.
Praying for you to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. What a strong woman you are.
I did not know Joe personally, but as a teacher at Glenbard North, I know that he has impacted our school community in such a profound way, and your posts have certainly impacted me on such an emotional level. Your video from your wedding is so beautifully moving. What a wonderful collage of happy moments to cherish. I lost my daughter at only 6 months old and I know the journey of grief is overwhelming and so debilitating at times. I wish you peace and healing. Be kind to yourself and know that what you feel is always okay even years ahead. You are never alone in your grief. My heart goes out to you and your family. Joe’s spirit and your story’s inspiration lives on even for those who never knew him personally.
I am so sorry this is happening to you and Joe. It’s not fair or right, but knowing that doesn’t do a damn thing, does it? I didn’t lose a husband, I lost a kid, after 4 years of infertility treatments. Our paths are not the same, but similar. I don’t know why it takes a year to stop being a whack job, but it does. I still have my whack job moments after 11 years. PTSD? Maybe, never bothered with a formal diagnosis. What is it going to change? This is what I KNOW FOR SURE: 1). Grieve your way, not anyone else’s, 2). You never get “over” it, you just get used to it. You become accustomed to the weight of it. Please don’t read that as a burden, because you and I both know that the weight of it is worth it because we had them for a short time. And that short time is better than none at all. Joe will be at peace, he really will. And you will find yours. Take care of yourself.
My heart breaks as I read your words. I wish I had words of my own to share with you, words that would offer some kind of comfort, some kind of light. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thinking of you – xo
I only know of you guys through mutual friends and this makes my heart ache, my husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary and I cannot imagine the heart ache of the last few years for you both. I with you peace, grace, and healing as you work your way through this horrible hand that you have both been dealt. Your writings break my heart to the core every time I read them, I wish you all the best.
Amazingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing. We are all with you.
You may not know what is ahead for you. Joe needs and wants to know that you will be okay.
I just met you thru your story. You are a dynamic woman. God will watch over both of you. have faith and believe!
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Hi Amanda! I am a friend of your mom’s. I savor and marvel at your strength, and Joe’s, and your family’s. The lessons that you all have taught us during this journey will carry on, and in years to come when we remember and rely upon these lessons, it will be proof positive that your sweet Joe is still a very real part of life. Your mom is such a pillar of strength…no wonder you are,too. I hope that I have the chance to meet you and your family one day.
Sending you vibes of strength, courage and resilience. Elizabeth Lyon
I have the same thoughts as Tara, take it to a book level when you are ready. This has touched so many lives and allowed us into your heart to feel all you have felt and are going through. I tear up reading this, watching the video and all. My dog just jumped up concerned as I was in tears. Love you girl! You are amazing and inspirational.. But so many of us already knew that…. Joe is the luckiest man and you are one lucky woman having that amazing man in your life. Its the best kind of love, its unconditional and will live in your hearts forever.
So inspiring ! Both you and Joe. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending strenght and peace vibes !! He inspired me you inspired me to do more, to love more, to be better and to not take for granted. Thank you!!!!
You are so blessed to have known a love like you and Joe share. I’m sitting here in tears, after watching that video. The love Joe has for you just pours out of the video!! I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes life is SO STINKING UNFAIR. i’m sending hugs and positive thoughts your way, Amanda.
Stay strong….. Are the only words that came to mind. I wanted to write something powerful and meaningful, but that’s all I have. Your story tells it all. The love you and your husband have for one another shows through your words. May god be with you and somehow grant you peace. Thank you for allowing me to share in your journey.
My hubby was just diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer last week. We’ve gotten 15 years together so far but it seems like yesterday that we were married. Prayers to you, prayers for comfort and peace that passes all understanding. <3
God bless
this was beautiful and left me in tears. the love you two must share for one another is inspiring. what a touching story, thank you for sharing. my God take care of you and especially your husband.
I just bawled through your entire wedding video. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all. I am facing losing my dad, and I can empathize with you as I’m his primary caregiver. I, however, cannot begin to fathom that this is your husband… Your beautiful, funny, caring, and loving husband. Your ROCK. My heart is breaking in a million pieces for you right now, and I only wish there was some way to take this pain away. It’s going to hurt, I know it will, but know that you are the best and greatest blessing that Joe has ever received.
You are an amazing woman. Having just sat watch in hospice with my brother in law, whom I adored, I doubly feel you on this one. I wish you peace on your journey and pray that God will hold the three of you close.
God bless you during this time. Your pain is very personal and no one can even begin to tell you how long it will take. Albeit brief, your love story will live on to touch many and Joe happened for a reason. We do not understand in this flesh body. One day you will rejoin him and until then he will guide you in spirit. I also lost my mother 12 weeks ago and watched her fight for her life 13 days after what she thought was a stomach virus went so wrong… The grief is numbing and you will get through little by little just keep faith and talk to Joe with your soul as you have continued to do…. He is listening and always will.
Bless your hearts….
Wow ❤ every time I read your blog… I realize not to worry or stress the small things! The journey you guys are on is unbelievable and I send my prayers to you guys. Such an amazing team you are, and the love you have for one another is beautiful.
You are so brave!
Moments will be hard not years. You’ll be very sad but not all the time; you’ll miss Joe like crazy but not every moment of every day. You’ll replay these times over and over in your head…and some times you’ll play could of would of should of. You’ll forget things. You’ll remember the kind things people said and the stupid things. The first words my teen said to me when he learned his dad died was “Wow this really sucks.” Oh yes, it does suck, but somehow you keep putting one foot in front of the other and with the help of friends and loved one you take Joe’s memory and love and just do the best you can with where you are in the momen. (P.S. My Dearly departed husband name was Joe…) ♥
I spent my day reading your entire blog, and am praying for Joe’s pain management and for peace and comfort for you and your family. God bless.
Hola Amanda, no los conozco personalmente, pero si a traves de mi yerno Mike Landini, y mi hija
Monserrat, he sabido de cada día vivido por uds. por mi hija, y todo lo que han pasado me conmueve al punto de no tener explicación por esto, porque tienen que pasar estas cosas,tanto
sufrimiento, si estaban empezando una vida maravillosa. No existe explicación y no existe confor-
midad. Hace un año perdí a mi marido en un accidente y todavía no encuentro la paz que tanto
necesito, a diferencia de uds.nosotros estabamos en el otoño de nuestras vidas, ya que teniamos
48 años juntos, pero nos quedaba por vivir. Solo me resta decirte que oraré para que este dolor
puedas sobrellevarlo de la mejor manera, sé mejor que nadie que será dificil, pero Dios dara las
fuerzas necesarias, te queda en tu hijita el recuerdo de Joe, que te acompañara toda la vida.
Se que ninguna de mis palabras te llevará a tener conformidad, pero creo que ayuda. Sólo me
resta enviarte mi abrazo con mucho cariño,para ti y tu familia.
AMPARO PEREZ CORDOVA (Desde Santiago de Chile)
Sharing your story does help … both the before and the after. I did a CaringBridge journal during the cancer years and a widow blog after. It’s good to be able to go back and be reminded in writing of what I was able to endure, to know that I will be able to survive this, too. Pay no attention to those who give you a timeline on grief. Your grief is your grief and you will just deal with it day by day as it comes. Some days will be ok, some will be hard. Just be kind to yourself. Do what you need to get through those hard days.
And, yes, be prepared for those who haven’t had to travel this road to say things that hurt, that are ridiculously insensitive, that make no sense at all. But know that they only do that because they don’t know what this is like … and they won’t know … until they do. I found great comfort from Soaring Spirits International (www.soaringspirits.org) and their online community, Widowed Village (www.widowedvillage.org), where I was able to interact with others who had similar experiences. Conversations with someone who ‘gets’ it are priceless.
I wish you peace and comfort in these hard days ahead. May God bless you and Mira Joey.
My DEEPEST condolences to you. I didn’t know you or Joe but your blog found its way to me and its touched my heart. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you’ve felt and I cannot fathom the pain you’re feeling right this very moment. I’m saddened for your daughter especially losing her father at such a young age. And although people say with time, you’ll find happiness again, I know it’ll be a long difficult road. I hope you find the same peace you wished for you husband.
God bless. I just lost my brother to cancer and I still can’t believe it. Do whatever you need to do, vent, and express yourself however you need to. Wish there were words to make things better. Take good care.
A friend of mine actually told me briefly about your story. Please accept my sincere condolences. I’m glad that you are at peace, although this experience is still no doubt very difficult to cope with. The Bible refers to death as “the last enemy” at 1 Corinthians 15:26, and for good reason. Losing those whom we hold dear causes us great pain. However, I find a measure of hope and comfort by reflecting on the promises God has made. One of such promises is recorded at Revelation 21:4. There it states, “He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” I hope that this scriptural text can bring you some hope too. There is a website, jw.org, that provides scriptural answers to many very intriguing questions such as: Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God allow suffering? Why do get sick, grow old, and die?
I personally don’t know what your views are on any of these subjects, but regardless of your view, I hope you can gain some encouragment from the information presented there on the site (Job 14:14, 15).
My father passed away on Sept. 30 from lymphoma. He had it less than a year and I spent only 35 years years with him. It’s still not enough. I wrote a lot during this time and shared the most of myself and experience from this with my friends than ever before because it’s important. My dad was in hospice for 7 days and my mom and I took care of him. It’s not fair, but find peace and comfort knowing that good will come from this. It helped me find you at the right time. A big hug to you! <3
Amanda, I’m so sorry to hear of your recent post. The post us followers knew would eventually come but hate to see. I find myself in tears with every update; more drawn to your situation through each word, almost like I’m living it but I’m not. I get to hug my daughter each night and although she’s never met her “father,” she hasn’t had to witness me sad. You are such an inspiration, such a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing this emotional journey. Thank you for letting us into your lives to pray and offer any words of support we can. I pray for every step of the way in this next chapter. *hugs from Indiana*
Amanda, Mira, Mira is your strength– each time you look at that beautiful little girl you will recieve strength you never knew you had. She will be your good times, your refuge from heartbreak. I have a 9 year old daughter and no matter how I am feeling if I get a hug from her just the energy for her calms me right down and I feel better immediately. So hold on to Mira and feel her loving energy.
Everything you have written I too experienced with my best friend in the world, my mom. She fought a good fight. I was so lost without her for a bit but believe it or not 2 things got me through. Our new golden retriever puppy, who was supposed to be her new buddy and knowing that my brother and his wife would be bringing into the world their 1st child. A boy, every time I thought I couldn’t go on the thought of that baby gave me hope. He was born 3 short months after she died and everytime I looked at him I knew everything was going to be ok. I also knew she was there with us becuase of looks he would give and secret cooing and smiling he would do. Joe will be there he always will and though it sucks you wont see him, trust me you will feel him. I would begin to break down and all of a sudden this feeling of calm would come over me and it was then i knew that she was holding my heart and putting her arms around me to make it all right.
Every time I visit your page, I pray that I wont see the news that Joe has passed! Even though he is so lll, I still hope that you guys get to spend just a little bit more time together. And your wedding was gorgeous and the location is one of my favorite venues… so magical! Be strong. Even if you lose Joe you wont lose the beautiful, precious memories you made together. God bless your family. I’m praying.
Amanda, I just watched your wedding video and I could feel the joy you both had. What a joyous occasion that must have been! I hope it’ll help you to watch it again today and feel that joy.
What a BEAUTIFUL video!!! An AMAZING memory for you to have. I’m so very sorry that You and your Baby Girl have to go through this.. Prayers are sent to your family to help heal the los of what looks(which I’m sure He is) to be an AMAZING Husband and Daddy…God Bless!!!