How do you prepare yourself to be in a car accident? You put your seatbelt on. You double check your tires. You try and stay one step ahead of every driver on the road. One step ahead and it won’t hurt, you tell yourself. Maybe it won’t happen, you say, all while knowing you can’t avoid the crash. You see yourself slamming head-on in the most dramatic slow motion but can do nothing but wait to feel the impact.
That’s the only way I can describe waiting for someone to die.
I called the chaplain, then he got here and I didn’t want to talk, then he found me anyway. I begged him to fix me. To make this better. If I pray can I avoid this pain? If I write more can I wash this sting out of of my heart? Where can I throw my focus to avoid what’s clearly right in front of me? He told me what I already know and that the crash is unavoidable. “It will get better, then worse again, then better, then really bad, then eventually better,” he told me.
Thanks, sounds amazing.
Even as I try and write this I realize Joe will never read this blog. I realize I have no one to do my grammar check. Who will tell me if I’m not as funny as I think I am? Who will tell me, “I’ve read better”, pushing me to dig deeper.
How in the world will I ever survive this?
Joe and I have talked about everything. What he wants and what he doesn’t. How things should go. I thought I was ready. But I never expected to lose him before I lose him. I want to throw myself on top of him and scream, “Wake up, please wake up!” Then in the next moment I find myself quietly asking God to take him. I cannot stand one more second of pain for him. Please tell me he’s not in pain. Please tell me I’m doing the right thing.
He’s had his semi-lucid moments where he grabbed my face and swept my hair back with his hand. The nurse reminded him that his wife was here and he said, “She is?” I said, “babe, I’m right here”. He buried his face in my neck and said, “I missed your smell.” Then would fall back asleep. Oh, my heart.
He was alert Monday night just enough to steal a few bites of my milkshake and make us all laugh. In his loopy state he talked about playing hockey, smoked a pretend joint and when his mom asked if he’d want some jello or pudding he responded, “Unless Amanda is walking out here in a whipped cream bikini, I don’t want anything.”
To be honest, I thought about running to the store to whip up if that’s what he wanted.
That was the last time he was awake. Is it weird it gives me some comfort to think his last meal may have been some mint chocolate chip milkshake?
I never expected to feel this kind of responsibility at the end. The nurses told me he’s getting restless, we may need to go up on his medications to try and keep him comfortable. I held Joe’s hand and got close to his ear to explain what was going on and I was going to give him some more medication to help him sleep, “Are you okay? I’m right here.” I said. He squeezed my hand and nodded yes for the first time in days. Even in his final moments he’s reassuring me. His mom and I looked at each other and relief swept over our broken hearts.
The day Joe became too sick to keep him home was the same day his cousin/business partner/best friend’s wife went into labor. Joe has been so excited to meet this baby girl. a cousin for Mira. He’d been coaching his cousin through what he’s learned and promising him we’d come and stay when the baby was born. I told Joe that morning that the baby was on the way and the disappointment on his face as he could hardly lift himself from his chair but said, “We have to get there”.
I was able to tell Joe the name of the baby as he settled in– Emma Josephine– “E.J”– the initials Joe and his dad shared and now this sweet little girl.
Only 3 days old they brought the baby to meet her uncle. Though Joe was sleeping we could feel the love in the room.
The beginning and the end? The light in this very dark time was seeing those two little girls by his bed.
Joe would have loved these moments, never taken a single one for granted.
Mira gave her daddy a kiss. She saw him laying there and exploded with smiles and “daddas”. My angel girl your daddy loves you.
I’m watching Joe’s steady breaths right now and with every one I wait, I watch, I wait for my own heart to stop too.
I saved a text message Joe sent me last month… now I keep reading it over and over. Wait for me.
What does one say, reading this leaves such an empty, helpless, agonizing ache for you Amanda, and Joe, and Mira…. I am at a loss.. We just want you, Joe, and baby Mira to know, you are always in our thoughts, and our hearts are aching for you, we hardly can imagine the pain you are feeling…. We will continue to pray, now-for Peace, and Comfort, the days ahead will not be easy, but these memories, and time that you have been given, will help see you through. We are sending tremendous amounts of strength, and Love…. Much Love… May God keep you all in his embrace, and somehow may you find comfort in his Care…. <3 <3 <3
I am in complete heart break for you… I can’t catch my breath. Everything Patty said..I agree. My prayers are with you, Joe and Mira.. I am soo sorry. Xoxoxo
AmAnd a you don’t know me, but I’ve been following your story and my heart aches for you. I just went through this same thing with my dad. He lost his battle to esophageal cancer on April 3. I know every thought you are explaining. At times I was afraid to go to the hospital because u didn’t know how dad would be acting, would he be begging me to take him home and trying to get out of bed because he was so restless? Once he began hospice it was. Relief, yet I missed that moment of communication with him. The day dad told me he saw his mom, who passed away 40 years ago, and smiled and said how pretty she was, I knew he’d be ok. It brought a sense of peace to me. It wasn’t easy and he hung on, but I also prayed to take him, knowing he wouldn’t want this. Nobody can say anything to make this any easier. But knowing so many out here are praying for you does help. Prayers of peace for you and your family.
I agree with Patty, what does one say? I do not know you but my heart breaks for you!! I pray as the end nears that God wraps his arms around everyone. My you find comfort in knowing that you have experienced TRUE LOVE. Reading your blog has taught me so much about strength and I thank you for that. Life is too short and I only wish you had more time. May God wrap you in him arms as you move forward in your journey. Thank you for sharing.
Amanda, I am so sorry. I love a “Joe” too, and maybe that’s why your story is impacting me just a little bit more.
Your love for each other has been so inspirational.
Please know that we are praying for all of you and our hearts are broken for you.
You move me with everything you are all going through. There are no words that I can say to you and your family that someone has not said. I have hope and prayers that all of you will make it through this. I wish the best for you . Know that you are amazing. I know that you have some wonderful people around you to hold you close and be there for you. They are the lucky one’s. Wishing you the best .
Love you Amanda. Praying for you all.
Words fail me… except to say that my heart aches for you. I am praying for you and your precious husband and all of your family.
My heart breaks for you and Mira as I read this. I’m am praying for you daily, mainly for your strength as it comes to the end for your love. God is with you and Mira and will get you through. Xoxo
I am.so sorry. I.have been praying for you all. I have gone thru this and I know your pain. A few things if you have not thought about. There is finger/ thumb print jewelery. There is also jewelery that you can put ashes in. Both are wonderful keepsakes. God bless you as you continue on this journey.
I pray with you, I laugh with you and I cry with you…You are amazingly strong!
I don’t know you, but read this through a friends post… My heart is in agony for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I AM praying for you. These words were so poignant (both yours, and his)…
Yours is a happy, sad, beautiful story which makes me cry and ask why does this happen to such a great guy?
I don’t know if it would bring you any comfort or not, but you should know that those of us who have followed your blog, our hearts are breaking right along with you. We lift you up in prayer at our church prayer group weekly, and personally I do daily. I am so sorry for what you are enduring and what is to come. You are not alone, your family in Christ is praying and crying right along with you.
Love to you my dear girl. God Bless
I know you don’t know me, but I am sending you all healing thoughts and keeping you in my prayers for peace and love during this time.
Right now your writing is your therapy. There will come a time when these words, your stories become everything. What a beautiful way to capture moments, emotions and your love story. I receive this link in my newsfeed because we have mutual friends. So that means I don’t know you. I don’t know Joe. Yet I read these entries and hang on every word. Your readers are laughing and crying with you. You are touching so many people with your truth. I will continue to pray for you and Joe and your sweet baby girl.
I thought of the song “I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons when I read this. You have a truly beautiful love. Keeping all of you in my prayers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0
I can hardly breathe for the ache at what you are going through today. Praying and crying for you all. Praying you’ll be surrounded by people who love you when you need them most.
My prayers for you Amanda and your family. You are amazing. Your blog is amazing. You are so strong, loving and spiritual. You and Joe are much too young to be living this. My God keep you safe and strong in His arms. Peace, love and our prayers. God Bless you.
My heart breaks for you, I am praying for you and your family. Your are so strong!
Thoughts and prays to joe and your family .
You truly have touched many people’s hearts with your story. I have shown my 20 year old son posts from your blog hoping to give him a glimpse of the rewards of waiting for true love. Thank you for expressing to others what life and love are all about- for ‘grounding’ us into reality as you show everyone what matters most in life are those tiny moments we touch one another through words, tears, laughter, memories pain and joy! Thank you!
Hot mess of tears friend. You are a gorgeous writer but I”m so sorry that this is your story to tell. You tell it with so much truth and grace though. Prayers and kind thoughts are all I can send but they are yours.
Haunting and exquisitely beautiful. Bernie Price (CYO) said this at her husband Jack’s funeral, “There was nothing left unsaid.” This has played again and again in my mind particularly as I have come to know you and your family through your writing. It is a privilege and a form of prayer to witness your journey. It transforms others. You and Joe love story will continue to change generations to come. Peace. Michele Kuntz Wood
Ditto to what LuAnn said above. Isn’t it beautiful how “strangers” can love each other? You have done this, Amanda, by letting us in. I know you are waiting for the biggest, inevitable part, but this anticipation and process of letting go in some ways is harder. God bless you, dear girl. You make my heart overflow.
Jesus, wrap Your loving arms of peace around these broken hearts. Send the peace of Your Holy Spirit to this family. Be with them as they walk this journey and teach all of us about love.
I truly hope you know how many lives your blog has touched (by evidence of all the beautiful comments). I hope that in some tiny little way this gives you some comfort, to know that you have so many readers wrapping their ‘virtual’ arms around you and your beautiful family. I will never look at life the same way, after knowing your story. Thank you for the most important lesson in life…hugs to you, Joe, and that sweet angel Mira.
I don’t even know you but I’m in tears reading this and there is a big lump in my throat and my heart aches. I want to thank you for sharing your experience with the world. I am a nurse and have seen healing and have seen loss, but don’t really get to hear the true feelings of those that are losing someone. It is important to know how my patients feel and how their loved ones feel so I can better care for the patient and be sensitive to their loved ones. I will pray for you all through this difficult time and for the difficult times to come. I pray the nurses are available enough to keep Joe comfortable and his medications to be delivered timely and for them to know when more may be necessary. I will pray for them to show compassion to his family. Peace be with you all!
Amanda, I have no words to express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. I can’t even imagine the pain you must be in. Your blogs have been so powerful and I prayed for a miracle for you and Joe so that you could grow old together. What powerful words of comfort and love he leaves you with…”I WILL WAIT FOR YOU”. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your family
I’ve just recently found your blog and have read some of the more recent posts. I am so sorry that you and Joe are going through it. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but thank you so much for sharing a piece of your soul with us all.
Amanda,
Reading your blog reminds me of what me and my three kids went through during the last days of my husband’s life. He died of Duodenal cancer two years ago. I also wrote about it on a caringbridge site. I know I do not know you but I think of you, Joe and Mira often. I am amazed at your strentgh. Your love for Joe will never die. I am so sorry you have to go through this
tragedy. Please stay strong. Nanci Dobkin
Sending love from Washington DC. You are in my thoughts.
Sending love and prayers. My heart breaks for you.
Amanda, my prayers are with you. Be strong and may the Lord bless you.
God Bless you Amanda. My prayers are with you.
My Heart, Love, and Prayers to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You don’t know me, just like many other who have been following your story. My heart breaks for all of you. I pray that God gives you strength and comforts you & your family. Joe will always be with you. You will see him in the sunshine, the moonlight, you will feel him in the wind, or when you hear “your song”. You will have your own angel to watch over you until you meet adain. He did say he would wait for you & he will. God bless.
Heartbroken. No words. None.
Thank you for giving me, a complete stranger, some insight into your heartache but also the love your family share. It is truly courageous to put into words these moments that shape, make and sometimes turn your life upside down and then share them with the world.
My husband has the HNPCC gene and we are likely to be fighting the fight sooner rather than later. I can’t imagine having the eloquence you display in being able to write your story so beautifully and with such rawness. You give me hope, we may loose the people we love in this life but our love can never be diminished and they will be waiting for us in the next.
My thoughts are with you and your beautiful family x
This utterly breaks my heart… My heart and prayers go out to you and Mira- you are a strong inspiration and I wish you all the best.
Amanda, each family’s cancer fight and loss is different so I can’t fully know what you are experiencing but I was with my dad though his cancer battle. I lived with my parents at the time, spent many hospital stays with him, managed to go to some treatments with him and spent his last days alongside him with my mom, brother and the many visiting family members and friends. It won’t seem possible to you now but you will have good memories of this journey with him along with the horrible memories. You will remember a funny moment together and share it with your daughter but will undoubtedly remember these last moments almost like you are right back there living it all over again. My dad passed three years ago this past July but today while in recovery for a procedure from which I may learn I also have cancer I cried telling someone else about his unbelievable strength during his fight and last days. Yesterday, I was laughing with my mom over a silly time with him. You will get through this and the future in whatever way works best for you and your daughter, in your own time frame. No one else can determine when you should cry, be angry, laugh, smile over your love. Allow yourself to experience every emotion as it occurs and never apologize to anyone if it’s not on their schedule.
Sitting here crying for you. There are no words. Your love is inspiring. Sending you strength.
I can’t pretend to know what you are going through all I can do is offer prayer, support, and the love of a stranger. There is a verse that I remember when life seems to be trying to take me down. “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not: I will help thee.” Isaac 41:13.
I found your blog yesterday and read this post first. Then I read the whole blog from the beginning. It was heartbreaking knowing how things were going to end up. I kept looking at Joe’s vibrant smile when he was healthier and thinking through my tears “I can’t believe this guy is not going to make it.” He’s gorgeous, you’re gorgeous, and your love is unbelievable. You have been so brave throughout everything. Joe has been lucky to have you. And you have been lucky to have him. Your story has made me fall in love with your family. I wish you love, peace, comfort, and all the best memories in the world…
I am so sorry. To the Evans and Clark families. I have not commented nor liked any posts so far though I have been very aware of there heartfelt content. The Evans family has always been there for me and I love them as if they were my own. Joe, may you travel safely and rest with the angels. My hearts breaks for such an amazing human being and family! Much Love
Chad
Amanda, Like a lot of people, you do not know me, but I have followed your blog. My heart goes out to you and your baby girl, as well as the rest of your family. I, too, know to well the heartache. It is tough to “wait” and my prayers are with you in this difficult journey.
Crying hard after reading this. Hard to know what to say at a time like this except I send you all peace and love from the UK.
Prayers and light also during these difficult times, take care. <3
Wait – Mat Kearney: http://youtu.be/3dtcPVJUlmI
Amanda I know this pain is inconceivable. Thank god for the good times, your family, your friends and sweet Mira. Joes pain will be gone and yours will be worse ( for awhile).
You are ALL in so many people’s prayers
i know what you are feeling, I went through it in July of this year. I pray for you and the strength for you to get through this. I went through the same struggles, wishing him out of pain, not wanting him to go, wanting him to fight some more.
My name is Amanda & my husband was diagnosed with familial polyposis in 2001. It is hereditary colon cancer syndrome. Our 4 year old daughter also has the disease. I can relate to all you are going through. I am so sorry anyone has to deal with this. It’s just not fair.
Just watched your interview on News 13. Wow! What strength you have…. What eloquence you have…..
I live hours away from you but you have touched people far and wide with your journey.
You and Joe are so blessed to have each and and ALL your family…..Your moms, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and dear, dear friends…..
My heart aches for you but I know you will be ok. I will continue to pray for all the Clarks and Evans.
My prayers continue for all… much love on this journey.
Amanda I just wanted to let you know how much these blogs have touched me. Reading you and Joe’s journey has been uplifting and heartbreaking all at the same time. My daughter Randi went to school with you and Joe at Millikin and she said Joe was one of the first people she met and they became instant friends. She is the one that posted one of your first blogs and I have been following it ever since. When I read this one I felt the need to reply because there is a Joe Nichols song titled I’ll wait for you and that is the first thing I thought of when I read the text you posted. The video may hit a little close to home right now but it is very moving. I am sending prayers for peace and comfort at this time and know that your words you have written are powerful. I agree with everyone that has said you need to write a book about your journey when you are ready. I know I would buy a copy and so would many others. The wedding video you posted was absolutely amazing. I am so glad that you have that and many more memories to hold on to in the days, weeks and years to come. God bless you, Joe and Mira.
Tears, tears, & more tears. My heart just aches for you & your family’s loss. I pray you find peace & joy in such a tragic time. You are surrounded by love & hope, even from people you don’t even know.