I decided I was ready to find “the one”, because I was sick of carrying in my own groceries.
My 25 year old arms lined in plastic bags cutting my skin to guarantee I’d make it up the stairs all in one trip and I remember thinking, ‘Yep, this is why I need a boyfriend’.
I wanted to find someone so I wouldn’t be lonely on Sundays and so they could buy me Christmas gifts. I wanted love so I wouldn’t have to put in the work to find the right person. Everything I knew about love involved what that person could do for ME, add to MY life and what I could get out of the relationship.
5 years ago this weekend, I fell in love with Joe.
It was the first time I had a taste of what real love is. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the way he sent me flowers to work and picked me up at the airport with a red rose, but it was the first time I’d known it was about more than just what someone did for me. I changed the way I made decisions because I couldn’t stand the thought of ever hurting him.
Those were some of the happiest days of my life and the days I’ll tell my daughter about when she asks me about her dad.
Our love has grown and changed like most couples but becoming someone’s caretaker is a whole new level of marriage I don’t think I ever considered. Now I know that there is no greater love, no greater honor than taking care of the one you love.
To know that I am the one he trusts to walk behind him so he doesn’t fall. I’m the hand he wants to hold when he’s scared in the hospital. I’m the person he trusts to keep track of his medicines and protect him from what’s going to happen.
I’m the one who now carries in the groceries, though he still hates the way I load the fridge. There are moments I think this isn’t what I signed up for and other moments that I realize I’ve gotten so much more.
I’ve learned that love is not about what you get, it’s about what you are willing to give.
I sat on the ledge of the bath tub helping Joe managed tubes and pain packs. Trying to get yourself clean while trying not to get wet is a challenge. I looked at his thin body and can’t help but feel my heart break for everything he has to deal with daily.
Joe looked up at me, in the midst of his own chaos just trying to take a bath and said, “I’m just so sorry you’re missing your brother’s wedding today. I’m so sorry this is happening.”
My heart sunk as I worried about him but realized he was just as worried about me. That’s love my friends. The real kind.
Joe’s body is getting weak. He’s sleeping more, he’s eating less. He’s dependent on his medications to keep him calm, keep him comfortable. He tells me he loves me at least 100 times a day. I hear him moan in his sleep and I come running. There are moments I want it to be over, I don’t want to see him hurting and the anticipation of when it’s going to happen makes every day a mix of joy because he’s here and heartache because you know he won’t be.
He’s still in there though. Is it crazy to say he still makes my heart flutter? He told me I need to cool my jets as I tried to lure him to spoon with me. But he’ll roll his eyes or kiss me on the top of my head and I feel the same flirtatious love we’ve always had.
I sent him a text from upstairs this week that said, “I’m googling signs of depression up here- I think I have it”.
He responded quickly with, “I’m googling weird things that happen to your penis, you should come see some of these pictures.”
I laughed and told him I was going to write a blog titled weird things you google when dealing with cancer. It should be a best seller.
Oh, my sweet Joe. Thank you for teaching me about love, real, self-less love. How lucky I am that I got to be your wife.
You have a beautiful soul Amanda. The depth of your understanding, your compassion, your humor, are so beyond your years. Most people I know are decades older than you and they don’t have the ability to see things as you do, and maybe they never will. It is a love story, it is heartbreaking, it is stuff lifetime movies are made of; it is, in itself, a blessing. Thank you for your transparency through all this, Joe’s and Your story have touched my life.
I have thought of you daily. Wondering, is today the day…. I continued my prayers guiding God’s will but even though I do not know you I felt a sense of ownership. Maybe it’s the mother in me, maybe it’s just because I deeply care. Either way, I’m walking this journey with you and wanting to take away your pain. All I can do us pray, and praying is what I will do until I no longer can. All my thoughts, prayers for you.
Lisa Parr
Amanda, I have never met you and likely never will, but I’m a lifelong RHS southsider who knows you through family and friends. I have been married for 35 years. I have been blessed with the kind of love that you describe from Day 1. I have not had to experience the heartache that you and Joe have been living through, but the depth from which you write is so beautiful. I wish EVERY marriage could be like yours (and mine). You have experienced TRUE, selfless love, and you’re right. It’s not about what you get, but the joy and fulfillment that you get when you give. You, Joe, and your daughter are included in our daily prayers. Think of how our Blessed Mother felt watching her Son prepare to die. Draw strength from her, offer up your suffering to God. May God bless all of you and give you the courage to face what is yet to come. And take solace in knowing that when Joe is finally with God there will be no more suffering, only eternal joy.
Oh, Amanda, I know you have less time than ever to get these thoughts on the screen, but THANK YOU! You are such a gifted and talented writer. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And…..I WILL buy the book that I know you must write someday. Much love to all of you tonight.
I really don’t know what to say and never comment on pages. My heart just aches for your family and I want to thank you for sharing your story.
I hope you write a book! I enjoy ever post you write, even the ones that bring many tears to my eyes!
My prayers are with you and joe
Amanda, though I don’t know you, you are an amazing woman and wife. I am sure Joe is thankful beyond words for what you have done for him but mostly, what you mean to him. God bless you and your family.
I love you guys! I seriously do. Even though I’m reading this from a far and we haven’t seen each other in 3 years, I can’t help but get choked up reading your posts. You both are such dear people to me. I’m praying for you, Amanda and for you, Joe! I love your love for each other. This is the real stuff. Even though its difficult, you have found the beauty behind it all.
Your love is a kind of love that many people don’t ever get to experience in their life time. Your love and compassion should be an inspiration to many. To learn to live life and love life to its fullest. Your story has touched my heart and has given me the hope that there are truly good people in this world. Prayers for you, your family, and friends during this journey.
As always reading your post again with sad and happy tears flowing, and realizing that you and Joe DO have a REAL love and know what it is all about… I am amazed as always at your strength, and your pain, just know that whatever happens, in the end REAL love and knowing what matters is what it’s all about. Continued strength,prayers, and love to your family…. Your family has touched so many of us through this journey. <3 <3 <3
As hard as it is right now for you, you are so blessed to have experienced REAL LOVE. What a gift for you and Joe and dear little Mira to love and be loved as you have been….. Your story is heart-breaking and I and many, many others are praying for your family.
Peace to you……
Amanda, you are Joe are the definition of true and real love. I continue to pray for both of you. In our thoughts and hearts always xo
Your words are amazing, your love is palpable. Thank you for sharing your heart
I have followed your blog because I too lost my love of over 32 years on September 26,2011 with the same cancer that your Joe has. I have shed many tears since then and your journey tells all of the world what it is really like to hold,to cry,to feed,to care for,to wish for an calming end for the man whose soul lies deep within your heart. May you be comforted every second of every day as you try to grasp the memories and cherish them. I got a pocket recorder and have George’s voice on it because I never want to forget what his voice sounds like as I grow older.
I knew about your story through a coworker, and I just read your blog for the first time.. What a blessing that love you guys have. How sad your words. I hope for a miracle for Joe, so this romance could last forever. God bless your family Amanda…
Thanks for reminding us to make each week, day, hour, and second count. Praying for y’all…..
Amanda – I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I interned at WCIA one summer when you still worked there. First of all, thank you for all the guidance you passed on to me. I’m still in journalism and working in DC and it’s thanks to people like you who helped me get here.
I stumbled across your blog today and I have been reading it “cover to cover”. Your journey is devastating, heart-wrenching and yet so moving. You are an inspiration. I recently got married, and nothing has made me look at my marriage like this has. I thought I couldn’t love him more, but your words and experiences have opened my eyes.
Joe sounds like the most amazing man and absolutely perfect for you. He is kind and thoughtful. I am sure he has passed on these traits and more to your beautiful daughter. You are so very lucky to have such a great man.
I say all this as my heart aches for you and what you have had to go through. Thanks so much for sharing, as I cannot even imagine how hard it is to put into words. I will pray for you, Joe and Mira and hope for peace and love in your life.
Amanda, can you feel us? We hold your words of love and suffering as we pray our energy eases your pain and sorrow so only the joy of having known the truest of love will fill you today and always.
Tears and lessons about love!! True love!
I lost my infant son nearly three years ago due to mistakes made during his birth by the hospital staff. I lost my dad that same year. Though our situations are very different, I understand deep, inexplicable pain. I questioned the Universe and the inequity of why things happen the way they do. I’m so sorry to hear what you and your husband are having to endure. It’s terrible and it’s not fair. Thank you for sharing your journey with so much candor. That’s not an easy thing to do, but I’m sure you are inspiring others to appreciate their loved ones even more and that’s a beautiful gift to give in the midst of your pain. Sending you and your family strength and love.
Yes,
You are lucky but Joe is blessed to have you. I read your story about when you stopped working to take care of him. I knew it was the right thing to do. God bless all of you.
Amanda and Joe…most times I am a quiet reader of yours admiring you both always but today I read this article and it made me think how blessed you two are. I have shared the link here. http://familyshare.com/Marriage/the-most-overlooked-characteristic-of-who-you-want-to-marry
Amanda & Joe.. So I have finally caught up on all the entries from your blog.. I’ve recently just heard about your story just by a simple common “like” on facebook, so I “liked” you on facebook & read your blog. I have never met you before but I feel like I know you both.. Your story has had me reading whenever I got the chance, on my way to work on the train, at lunch, and before I went to sleep. I am a fellow Chicago sports nut (not so much for the Bears) but for sure the Hawks. I just wanted to let you know that the both of you are lucky to have each other. Your story has touched my life-living it to the fullest, your an inspiration & Joe-you are a warrior.. I hope you both find peace in the days to come.. I think of you both often & would like to help in any which way I can. I wasn’t sure if you still took donations or needed anything for that beautiful daughter of yours, so I pray each night for the both of you & your families. I send you love & strength & peace. God bless all of you.. Go BlackHawks!!
Your blog is simply amazing, your real love is so magical and inspiring, praying for a miracle for your family