January 26, 2015
Speeding, I could have handled.
It would have been my fault. I saw the cop sitting on the corner and yet I still drove along going 5 miles over the 25 mile per hour speed limit. It wouldn’t have surprised me though in the pristine downtown streets for this officer to have had the time to nitpick and pull me over for my 5 miles over.
I was ready for it. But it wasn’t speeding. My tags were expired. I wasn’t ready for that.
As the officer told me I was a month late on my tags all I heard was, You’re failing Amanda, another thing Joe did that you can’t figure out. You’ll never be able to do this on your own and now even the police are pulling you over to make sure you know your list of things will never be checked off and instead you’ll wonder around this Earth lost, alone, and with expired tags.Â
Maybe that’s dramatic but it’s honestly how I felt.
First, it was the Chinese food. I was having a hard weekend, feeling depressed. Everyone knows Chinese food is the only way to fix that until you realize the only thing that could make you feel worse is that you have absolutely no idea where you order Chinese food from.
Another thing Joe did.
I called around the area, spelling out our street address only to be told over and over again they don’t deliver to my house.
“Do you want Chinese for dinner?” Joe would ask. It was usually a lazy Sunday thing. “Yes, I want that broccoli chicken thing”, I’d answer.
Then Chinese food arrives on the door step. I never asked where it came from or even what the name of what we ordered.
I cried tears right into my fried rice when I finally found a place that delivered to me.
If it wasn’t the Chinese food it was the Netflix password, if wasn’t the passwords it’s trying to remember trash night vs. recycling.
It’s not that I can’t do all of this, it’s that I simply don’t want to.
The baby has been sick for two weeks, up every couple of hours on and off. She just wants to be held, refill the humidifier, chest rub. I’m so tired I can feel my eyes crossing as I try and make her a bottle. I just want to tag out.
“I’ve got this one,” Joe would say as he’d head into her room at 3am.
“You change her diaper and I’ll get the bottle,” he’d say.
I know I signed up for this but man, I never thought I’d be doing it alone.
I have help. I have family. I have friends. But nothing can replace him.
I sat at lunch with Mira this week. A forced outing because I hadn’t been to the store. Table for two. We shared sweet potato fries and played pick up the napkins she throws. I couldn’t help but stare at the family of five across from us. The mom feeding the two older kids as the dad made faces at the baby..
The dad got lost in his phone and I could see the mom irritated as she balanced the three, trying to eat a few bites herself.
I remembered how mad I used to get at Joe for reading ESPN on his phone and not paying enough attention, not listening as I went on about Lord knows what.
I didn’t even realize what I had, just to feel him across the table without saying a word. Just knowing what the other one would order. Knowing the same story he’d tell as he got extra campfire sauce. Every single time, he’d tell me about work lunches eating The Royal burger with Quincy, then they’d waddle back to their cubicles and need an after lunch snooze.
It’s been two months. It feels like two years. I’ll feel like I’m turning a corner one day and then the next I’m ready to throw in the towel.
I don’t miss scans. I don’t miss bad news. I don’t miss seeing him in pain and knowing I couldn’t help.
But I do miss him. I miss every single thing about him.
I’m trying so hard Joe. I live every day by what you told me.
 “When the going get tough, the tough get going. People are strongest when they have no other choice. These experiences CAN have positive outcomes. If you want them to… “
My outcome was a $114 ticket, and a lot of tears but I figured out how to order my new tag. I got into the Netflix account and hey, I even found a Chinese food place and the steamed dumplings weren’t half bad.
Throwing in the towel
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Amanda you are one of the strongest women I know. As I read this with tears rolling down my face, I wish mother to mother I could take your pain away. I wish I could give you a huge hug ( from a stranger to a stranger) and tell you it will be ok. I hope that each day your heart heals a bit more. The strength you’ve given and showed the world is such an inspiration. Joes legacy will live on forever and you all will never be forgotten. Hug baby Mira like you never have before, don’t be afraid to ask for help, take time for yourself and finally keep being YOU! The world has been and will forever been rooting for you joe and Mira!
Jaclyn
Amanda do you go to church? Even if you dont, seek healing and strength with prayer.
My God, your words bring me to tears. I have a Joe of my own, but I’m the one that got sick and is battling. I wish you peace through this. I couldn’t even imagine.
Your a very strong young woman. Don’t be hard on yourself. You have a army praying for you and Mira.
You can do this. You are strong. Baby steps.
Sending hugs because I care.
God does not give you more than you can handle! I know that statement may often be very hard to believe, but believe it! He is always right there with you! You have such a gift with words! Writing a book or articles to be published is something you should do. A reader can feel your emotions so vividly. You have a very special talent!
I’ve been following your story from NY, and while you don’t know me, I hope you don’t mind that I’m sending you a virtual hug anyways.
You got this momma! 🙂
Its still very early and you are going to have many days like this but remember he is watching over you and one way or another he will get you where you got to go and what you have to do. Its not easy and it wont be but one day at a time. Your strong and you have gone through so much with Joe and its all understandable. Dont be hard on yourself. Joe would never want that.
<3 Amanda… You will do this, you can… IYou and Mira will be ok…. We are all behind you, everyone will gladly guide you, help you, and most of all, LOVE you… Hug Mira, really tight, feel Joe there, "You got this Girl" <3 <3 <3
Every day you get out of bed, you’re doing it. I’m an admirer of your strength.
That is amazing! even though i am only 17 and i don’t know you i am so proud for you. I am so sorry for your lost but it is great that you have people right next to you for those days that you fall down. I can relate in the sense that i have lost many loved ones. 3 in one year and 1 this year. I know cancer isn’t the easiest thing to deal with. Your aren’t given a specific time and date when your going to die.( lets face it we are not milk:) but you have to live everyday like it’s your last. Remember every crazy twisted adventure you had with that person. i have been cancer free for almost 8 years but i feel as though i was too late to start over as my old new self if that makes any sense. The truth is its never too late. for me college is going to be the time when i am outgoing again. Cancer has already taken so much from me. not only my friends and families lives but my own childhood and I’m not going to let it takeover anymore. I don’t want the same to happen for you. Think that every bump in the road is just another obstacle course set up by your loved ones to make you stronger. Sorry if i over step my boundries since we don’t know each other but i hope for the best for you and your family. Writing this was meant to help you but it ended up helping me too.
So proud of you! Keep going- failure is not an option! (Or so I tell myself!)
Everyone always says time heals all wounds. And although a stupid cliché, one that is true. Keep telling yourself that you are doing your best, cause you are! And just because time moves on, Joe will always remain in your memory and close to your heart forever. I can’t pretend to know your pain. But as I’ve followed your deeply personal story, I feel yours. As a mother myself of 2 small children, I want to wrap my arms around you, hug you and make it all better. You are not alone, although at times it feels that way. You are human. You have a right to grieve. You should be crying. You should be happy. You should be remembering. You should be feeling every emotion known to man. I applaud you for your bravery and your strength. One day at a time is all that you can do.
You Can do this. It stinks, it’s unfair, it’s hard, yes….but you are growing, stretching, and coping. People you’ll never meet are praying for you and Mira. You’re a strong woman. One day at a time.
Huge hugs!
This touched me especially hard today. We are praying for you. Who knows, maybe you can beat the ticket this year. Definitely not next year
You never asked to be an inspiration, but you are.
#AmandaStrong <3 <3
He was there by the police car to make sure you are safe, he was there at the Chinese restaurant to make sure you found a place that makes good steamed dumplings and of course he helped you figure out the Netflix password so you can take a few moments to watch something fun. Greif is the most difficult to live with…and please be kind to yourself..you can miss him and be pissed that he is gone. You are amazingly strong!
Im so sorry for all your hurt and all of the trials life has brought you through to get you to where you are now but I am also so appreciative for all of your insight. You have such a way to find the lessons and the positivity within whatever each day brings you. Your entries are truly uplifting and eye-opening, and always a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.
I am so grateful that you miss your husband,that he is a husband worthy of missing…… that you aren’t dancing on your doorstep thinking “Thank God—now he can’t beat us anymore” I have no idea who you are but read this on a friend’s FB page. I am glad you are surrounded by friends and family who care about what you are going through even though (they, too, know) they can never replace him. Even if you are ever surprised by the blessing of love again at some point–they will never replace your Joe. Wishing you glimpses of hope & comfort as you navigate through all this mess called life. Blessings on your day.
This may not make you feel better, but don’t beat yourself up. Grieve, cry, get mad and throw things. You are entitled to that. Remember saying you’ll be a mess for a year? You’ve been so strong. Don’t be afraid to break down.
You have a world of friends and strangers, like me, who are here to see you through this. Thank you for having the courage to share your story today and the courage met the next day.
God bless your heart Amanda !
I pray little Mira gets better.
And I am praying for you !
You’ve got this!
Even though you don’t want it..
You can do this, and Joe us so proud of you !
Xoxox
I can’t even. I just can’t. Amanda – you are so strong and I want to send strength to you. Bless you and your family.
Dear Amanda, you too will get through this I lost my husband at 32yrs old of a Brain Tumor watched him suffer for two years and one thing I remember is him saying when he walked up the stairs to bed and saw his little daughters shoes and said to me I am never going to see those shoes big, that broke my heart!!! I had two little children my daughter just turned 4 and my son just turned 7 when he passed. When my husband died you will go through mixed emotions of feeling alone, relieved, sad, mad and asking questions why, but someday it will get better and you will be thankful you have your daughter and have him to thank that for.
Thank you for this. Gives me hope.
Keep blogging!!! You are an amazing, strong woman on a journey that most couldn’t even imagine being on. But it’s the legacy he has left behind for you and your daughter that you will find comfort and strength!
You are an amazing person! Joe is proud of you. Your family is proud of you. Your daughter is learning by your example. Continue to find humor in the hard stuff & keep writing. Praying for you!
HUGS to you Be kind to you self and Always remember to BREATH<3
Hang in there girl! It gets better I promise. It is up hill from here. Mira and prayers will carry you through.
Joe is there with you and Mira every day, everywhere. Keep Joe Strong.
I have been in your shoes. My husband died and I had a 3 yr old and 5 year old. My advice…don’t try to be too strong. Find a faith community of your choice, along with family and friends you will survive. When totally done…I’d look to heaven and yell…God you have lots Of explaining to do!
Smiles for you 🙂 You can do this! Prayers for you to keep strong not only for yourself but Mira as well.
It’s amazing the things you take for granted, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing your experiences as you go on with your life one day at a time. Prayers and hugs.
You are an Overcomer! and an inspiration!
Amanda, you are an amazing woman and mom! You WILL figure all of this out and don’t you DARE beat yourself up over life’s hurdles. I was also widowed when my spouse was 47 and although not left with a small child, my daughter was a senior in HS and I was left with a financial business mess that took over 5 years to clear up. I have been remarried for 20 years and also recently diagnosed with cancer. No one on this green earth worth their weight can EVER understand your feelings and loss but YOU! You are a magnificent writer and a blessing to Mira. She will always know her precious daddy because he is a part of who she is.
Take a deep breath, cry when you need to, and remember to look at the sky. Joe is watching over you and you will ALWAYS have his presence around you. Time will heal, but it also will not allow you to forget, which is something that makes you who you are.
Blessings!
My heart goes out to you as a single parent and a phenomenal Mom, your writing is amazing, so truthful and so full of all the emotions you go through each day or week. Time will pass and it will be difficult but it will also be filled with joy too, one day at a time when you put your feet on the floor each morning, that is what Joe would want you to do. He is watching over you and Mia and thank God that you had time with the love of your life. Keep writing and people will keep reading you are an inspiration.
Your post was shared on a friends Facebook wall and I happened to read it. I lost my brother last year, and I can definitely relate to your story. My advice is to be easssssssssssy on yourself. Take things one day, sometimes one moment at a time. Right now you’re living on “autopilot.” You’re getting up and doing things, but sometimes you forget how you got out of bed, how you got to work, how you did a whole day of tasks, took care of your baby and put her to sleep, and went to sleep yourself! The truth is grieving is exhausting. It takes time..
I think after the wake and funeral, we go home and hope our lives will magically become “normal” again. The truth is we will never be normal. We’re searching for the “new normal” both inspiring and frightening at the same time. But, making to-do lists has saved me. I write everything down…. because my mind is always off in a different place… and if you don’t remember sometimes… that’s OK, too. You’re grieving. And that takes time. Please be gentle on yourself… Cut yourself some slack. Joe would want that for you.
I’m a complete stranger to you, as are many you have reached. (I’m a friend of Carmen, Rodney and girls.) But I do know you can do this. Little by little you will figure it out. My advice is to write down what you do each day, a “Have Done” list (as well as your “To Do” list!) And you will be impressed with yourself. During the times of high stress when I feel helpless and hopeless I write down EVERYTHING I accomplish during the day i.e. Laundry, 3 loads; cleaned one shelf of the refrigerator; email to Mom; made appointments with Dr. X, hair salon; got dressed… yes, even getting dressed is an accomplishment some days and it takes time! Blessings and love to you and Mira.
Love this idea!
Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh: “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”
Amanda, I’m sitting here grasping for something to say to let you know just how inspiring I think you are. Something to add to the support and love I read in all of these comments. But I am just speechless. There are just no words. So I’ll just say that my heart is full with prayers for you and Mira. Stay strong – you are an absolutely amazing woman. I’m sure Joe is so proud of who you are and who Mira will be because of you.
You are amazing and so strong. You can do this. I know I’m a complete stranger but I am proud of you.
Whew! Turns out that I’m okay. My wife lost her battle in August. We had a very egalitarian marriage. Income was mutually earned. I cooked and cleaned. She kept the books. In the weeks/months since she died: Account passwords? Pfftt. Bank card PIN? Pfftt. Phone number to pay the power bill? Huh? Where’s the checkbook? Where are the checks? “My payment is late, I know. My wife recently died and…$35 late fee?” What day do the trash men come? “Place stamp here.” They still sell stamps? Where? Why did I cook two pieces of chicken? Why is the carpet wet here? Oh, I forgot to take the dog out. Mismatched socks? Check. Zipper down? Check…I’m ready to go to the office. Oh, wait. I’ll wear the blue shirt…that I forgot to put in the dryer last week. So THAT’s what smelled musty. Yep, normal.