What NOT to say to someone with cancer

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  1. Pam Fusina says:

    So happy you can verbalized what so many think/feel. God bless you.

  2. Lisa laplume says:

    Thank you. I have three very important people in my life with cancer and I am doing the right thing now that you just told me this. I just keep trying.

  3. Carrie says:

    My husband died five years ago of cancer. Our daughter was three. The thing that infuriated me the most, particularly after he died, was when people would tell me Mike’s death made them appreciate their spouse even more. Or they were going to hug their husband a little tighter tonight. I don’t know why but those kind of comments made my blood boil. I wanted to say “Good. You go hug on your husband. Mine’s dead and I can’t.” You and your daughter are in my prayers.

  4. Judy Ales says:

    Amanda you are a great writer and I hope you put this all together in a book. I think so many people would like to read it and it would help so many. I hope you are ok and have people around supporting you and your beautiful daughter.

  5. Katy Hulac says:

    Sometimes people feel like they don’t have a voice. (Because of many reasons). You are helping those people have a voice and showing them that voice matters. Thank you.

  6. Crystal I. says:

    I just love my soulmate/husband of 30 yrs in September 2014. I have been told ALL of the above. Yes he was only 49 yrs old, too young to be taken by this horrible disease CANCER. Thank you for this article.

  7. Karla says:

    How can I join your group? I could really use the support/outlet and would love to provide the same to others. My husband is battling stage IV colon cancer and we have an 8 month old son.

    • Karla I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Are you on Facebook? If you are go to the Cocktails and Chemo page and private message me. I’ll add you to the group right away. Sending my best!

  8. GREAT advice!!!… Just “DO something”!!! Sending you and Mira extra hugs and love today… Keep writing… Keep letting us know what WE need to be DOING for you, and all cancer victim’s and survivors! <3

  9. It is hard and I dealt with it when my daughter went through colon cancer at the age of 27. Thankfully she is a survivor but you are right, the people that just showed up and helped were the ones I appreciated!

  10. nancy Minton Ousen says:

    I thought you were a writer ! Your words are felt so deep and strong as they flow through your blogs .

  11. Gayle Brousil says:

    Amanda , Thanks so much for sharing. It is so helpful for those of us that want to help, and feel we are helping by offering our assistance. You’re doing great things by continuing with this blog and starting a support group for those traveling such a scary unknown journey. While I’ve never met you or Joe, but I’m confident he is beaming with pride.

  12. laurie says:

    As a three time leukemia survivor I agree with parts of this and disagree with others. I believe it’s a little different for each person. I liked when someone told me I looked good when I felt like crap. It was uplifting to me. I do believe people need to think before they make comments. I too heard some really stupid comments. I agree people/friends disappear. I would like to know why. But only they know why and I pray the same does not happen to them. I believe in staying positive but being realistic when facing cancer. Very nice to read your thought and insights.

  13. Marianne says:

    Not only young wives grieve–open your support group to all wives–my heart has also been shattered as well as my world-I lost my husband of 35 years after a 9 year cancer battle–he outlived his life expectancy by 6 years. Most of his battle was fought as he was strong and fairly healthy even though his stomach, part of his intestines and esophagus were removed early on–the last 2 years were brutal. Easy comfortable words that take away the pain or the weight of the responsibility before, during and after the passing of a spouse do not exist. The process is cruel and unforgiving–my only peace comes from knowing that he is no longer fighting that losing battle. My world is forever altered. He set he bar really high–he never complained, he never asked ‘why me?’..he marched through the valley of death with his head held high. I feel guilty in the wake that I have had trouble doing the same thing.

  14. liz says:

    Thank you. You are amazing.

  15. Marianne Dickey says:

    Amanda you and Joe continue to inspire SOOOOO many! Your courage and confidence amaze me! Keep on keepin on girl! You and Mira and Joe with the BIG man upstairs …..you are an amazing team!!!!!

  16. Christine says:

    Damn it. I’m guilty of “what can I do to help.” My intention was to try to put the other person first instead of being presumptuous about what they might need/want. Hadn’t considered that I was just adding another demand. Thanks for the heads up.

    I only found your blog a few months ago. Add me to the legions who think you and Joe handled his illness and death with a grace and courage that are truly inspiring, and you are bringing the same as you learn how to live without him. Although I only “know” Joe from this blog, I think he’d be proud of you.

  17. Jonathan says:

    I have been lurking in the shadows since the early days of Joe’s battle. At the same time, I was on a virtually identical journey with my wife of thirty-five years. Like you, and like so many others, I have been surprised (angered and dismayed) at how quickly people moved on or simply disengaged after her death. The first to go were those who most sincerely assured me they would ‘be there’. Next to go, were those who became impatient with my inability to ‘move on with life’ three months after her death (And, like you, I can’t even find all of the pieces of my life.). It is hard not to be angered by their abandonment or by their empty reassurances. At the same time, I realize that I have become the embodiment of what they fear most…their own mortality and the mortality of the ones they love. I have no advice for you Amanda. I’ve never previously walked this path either. Sadly, we must learn as we travel. Sadder still, we are finding that we are (unexpectedly) solitary voyagers on a pilgrimage we did not choose to take.

  18. Lisa Davis says:

    So true this hit home. My hubby too has stage iv colon cancer. He was diagnosed almost 3 years ago at the age of 53 1/2. Some may feel this is old but we do not. We were living a full life, just became empty nesters,excited about our future. He had his first colonoscopy at 50. Literally shocked when diagnosed with stage iv. At this point still in treatment and doing well.
    As a caretaker I can also relate about the feelings and emotions. So glad I came upon cocktails and chemo.

  19. Ellen Huddleston says:

    Great advice on don’t ask, just do!

  20. wendy chioji says:

    Great post. This will be so helpful to so many people. I always seem to be the patient and not the caregiver (I often believe mine is the easier role), but I am supersensitive to what caregivers live with and go through. Keep on keeping on, girlfriend.